Every time the statistics on teen pregnancy come out, don’t you just want to hurt somebody?
Apparently the latest data show that while teen pregnancy is down, it’s still higher in the U.S. than in any other developed country.
I think this is why the likes of us can’t get pregnant. We know too damn much.¬† We have to think more like a schmucky teenager. You know, think back. Remember when you knew nothing but thought¬†you knew everything?
Let’s see if we can key in¬†on what¬†all of those teens are doing right. Here are some tips I’ve come up with:¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†
1) Be a horny fifteen year old.
So here we all are wasting our time looking at calendars and ovulation kits and telling our husbands that it’s not that we mind¬† doing it now, but why bother when it’s not the optimal day, hour, minute to get pregnant?¬†Instead, we should just be doing it¬†constantly–Any time of day. During lunch period. Standing up in a locker.¬†So forget your comfy queen size in your master bedroom…that doesn’t seem to be working.
How about your parent’s bedroom? (ew) Or a high school locker? Or under the bleachers during a football game, or sex on a beach?…It doesn’t have to be just a drink you know.¬†
2) Listen to what a teenage boy tells you
Stop listening to doctors and nutritionists and yoga people and chiropractors and other infertile women. Seek the advice of a teenage boy. A full quarter of the teenage girls who got pregnant in the latest stats, apparently did so because their boyfriend (let’s call him “boyfriend” anyway)…because their “boyfriend” didn’t want¬†them to use any birth control.¬†
I¬†imagine that you and your husband have¬†already¬†figured out¬†that¬†the¬†first thing you should do when you’re trying to get pregnant is to not use birth control.¬†¬†¬†(I do envision¬†some yutz somewhere saying to his wife: “Oh man! Nobody ever told us. You should probably stop taking those pills. You know what Sue, I’ll bet that’s why you can’t get pregnant.”)¬†
So, I know you’re not one of those yutzes…but somehow medical advice just seems to mean more¬†when it comes from a fifteen year old boy….a hormone-infested male who’s just months away from driving a car with a back seat… or a pick-up truck…designed for picking up.
3) Use a teenage girl’s calendar
Sure, your ovulation calendars are fine… the one that has blinking lights¬†during your most fertile days…the one with the clock that counts down every hour¬†after your period starts like the clock¬†in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. But nothing beats a¬†teenage girl’s calendar.
31% of the young ladies in the study who got pregnant, didn’t think they could get pregnant “during that time”.¬† I think the issue¬†is: Define “during that time”.
Because of all of our constant, obsessive fertility-related thoughts,¬†”during that time” means to us:
Something to do with ovulation and most fertile days.¬†But now let’s think like a teenage girl:
“I didn’t think I could get pregnant ‘during that time’”….could mean…
a) When Americal Idol is on
b) When I have sex with a¬†guy I don’t really like
c) When the sun has gone down
d) When I’m drunk
e) After eating Taco Bell
(I can think of a few dozen reasons why you wouldn’t want to touch anyone after eating Taco Bell…especially twenty minutes after…..anyhoo.”)
So maybe we should all shred our calendars and burn our ovulation kits and try getting it on during¬†some of the above.
And one last tidbit if I may: 21% of the teenage girls who got pregnant in the study said they were using¬†birth control at the time.¬†I think we probably should clarify that it doesn’t count as “using birth control” just because you can see it over his shoulder on the dresser while he’s lying on top of you. On that note….