I think one of the hardest things to explain to the “outside world” when you’re dealing with infertility is how ANYTHING can¬†trigger our sadness or negative thoughts and feelings.¬†
It really doesn’t take much to set us off.¬†It’s truly impossible¬†to¬†have a calm, rational conversation with an infertile woman.
And the closer you are to us, the more you’re in trouble. Spouses have no¬†chance at all. Sometimes we’re so stuck in our own heads and what¬†we’re going through, we don’t even want to look at our spouses¬†and¬†there’s probably a million times they’d rather not listen to us.
But we won’t tell him to get lost.¬†We need his affection. We need his support. We need his sperm.
And he won’t tell us to get lost…¬†I have absolutely no idea why.
And while hubby/boyfriend/spouse (I first heard the term “spouse” when I was eight playing the board game “Life”. To this day, whenever somebody mentions their¬†”spouse”. I picture a¬†blue or pink peg with no face, only a head.) Anyway… ¬†
Whatever you call your peg that rides beside you in that game o’ life… He or she is not the only¬†one who has the privilege of¬†having disturbing, bizarre, hormone-drug induced chats with us.¬†
Anyone who came into my¬†personal space during one of my frequent¬†spontaneous, anxiety-ridden moments was fair game. Even the sixteen year old cashier at¬†McDonald’s.¬†
Even through the intercom and my driver’s side window¬†that barely opens, this poor girl could¬†see¬†that I wasn’t “right”.
“Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”
“Yes, Hi. I’d like a six piece McNuggets¬†meal with a large Coke please.”
“Is that for a girl or a boy?”
“No, I don’t want the kid’s meal.¬†Do you see any kids in my car?”
“Ma’am, I can’t see into your car from here. It’s just a microphone.”
“Not everybody has kids you know. ¬†Some people just choose not to have kids, young lady.¬† Some people aren’t ready to have kids. Some people try and try over and over and over and think about nothing else but STILL can’t have kids!¬†Do you just assume¬†because I’m a woman that I have kids?”
“No Ma’am.¬†I just assume when you order a six piece¬†McNuggets meal that you want the kids’ meal. The regular extra value meal¬†comes with ten pieces… but you can get it with six… if you want medium¬†fries and no toy.”
“No, you’d better give me the kids’ meal.¬†I¬†deserve a toy. I need a toy… And, (sniff sniff boo hoo)¬†could I have extra napkins please?”
“That’ll be $5.62.¬†Next window please. Have a nice day.”¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†
As I approached,¬†the cashier grabbed my money and tossed my¬†red Happy Meal box through her automatic window and into the car¬†while my wheels were still rolling, like I had cooties (maybe I did).
I pulled into a parking spot. In my altered state of¬†rationality, I felt quite confident that¬†I would be comforted by my¬†6200 fat calories,¬† 5000 milligrams of sodium, two months worth of caffeine…and, of course…my toy.