Depression & Infertility: The Dynamic Duo
Jan 31 2011 in Laughing is Conceivable by Lori Shandle-Fox
Infertility and depression actually have a lot in common. Millions suffer from it. Nobody wants to talk about it. If you do want to talk about it, nobody except someone who charges a hefty fee wants to listen to it. Many sufferers deal with it by ignoring it until it goes away by itself…which it never does. Neither one makes you the life of the party.
“I haven’t been able to get pregnant for three years.”
“Wow,what a coincidence! I haven’t been able to get out of bed for six months!”
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“What drugs have you tried? I’ve been on Lupron, Clomid, and Gonal-F”
“I haven’t been on that many.  Just pot, Tequila, and now Paxil.”
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“I hate going to family gatherings. My parents just tell everyone we’re out of town.”Â
“I hate going to them too. My parents just tell everyone I’m shy.”
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“Sex has become a chore. I’d just as soon sleep.”
“Me too!”Â
I think a problem is, at least in the U.S…. can’t speak for elsewhere: We’re big on the appearance of things. We’re big on fake. Fake hair. Fake breasts. Fake nails. We don’t like people to know we’re not perfect and we definitely, GD forbid, don’t want them to know we’re not normal. Normal people get pregnant. Normal people are grateful just to be alive.Â
Of course at any given time, there are 7 million who can’t get pregnant and 3-5% of the population who just as soon crawl into a dark corner and stay there for a month like a dust ball…and occasionally, they’re the same people in both groups.   Â
And infertility and depression are both pretty easy to hide if you want to. If you’re uncomfortable with being obese or tall, you probably can’t hide that you’re obese or tall. But nobody can tell by looking at you that you can’t get pregnant. Nobody can tell by looking at you, that you’re in a funk. And let’s face it: People just as soon not know either anyway. It’s too messy. Too inconvenient.
If I’m honest about it, I feel that way myself. Somebody comes within talking distance of me: Close friend, relative or passerby: “Hey. How ya doin?’”
“Well I got married pretty late in life. And then we had as much sex as I could tolerate for a year. And then I had a bunch of tests done. My hormone levels were pretty good. But I was going to the doctor every two days and then I went for four rounds of treatments that didn’t work so now I’m about ready to jump out of the fkn window.”
I just as soon say: “Fine thanks” and keep on walking. Notice I never end my response with: “and you?”.
Barcelona IVF said on February 21, 2011
I would like to share with you an article just published in our web site about stress and infertility: Stress as a “contraceptive” by Barcelona IVF psychologist Atze Mena.
Sometimes you might have wondered whether stress is the cause of non-pregnancy. The reality is that there still don’t exist any psychological studies that have demonstrated that stress is an infertility cause. In fact there are not more or less achieved pregnancies depending on how much nervous you are, but there is a relationship between stress factors and the quality of life maintained during assisted reproduction treatments. Many people act in a similar way to worries such as not achieving a pregnancy easily. Then you can enter a stress level in which, if it is accurate to the situation you are living, you activate adaptive mechanisms which are correct, and then, if you ask for the proper professional help, this stress should not be the cause of non- pregnancy. When the situation gets worse and is maintained, over time it can provide patterns of physiological and behavioral actions that aggravate the process as a reaction to stress. It is in this case when we should not hesitate to seek psychological support in order to resolve our emotional distress.
Lori Shandle-Fox said on April 16, 2011
Hi… I apologize for taking so long to respond. I sometimes have a hard time finding my way around a website. Thank you so much for sending along this article. I couldn’t agree more. The biggest problem with infertility I feel, is that it’s all about the unknown. Nobody has any idea if they will have a short journey through it or a long one. An easy fix or a long-drawn out battle. It’s impossible to maintain a good quality of life during it all unless you surround yourself with an arsenal of de-stressors. Good eating habits. Good exercise routines. Good books. Good music. Good movies. Good laughs. Whatever brings you peace of mind and some mental/emotional tranquility.
It would be great if removing the stress could enhance fertility…but even if it doesn’t, it can make the whole infertility process go from excruciating to almost bearable. Gracias otra vez para mandarnos la informacion! Lori
Edzati said on May 30, 2011
I am crying and laughing while reading your article. and I feel better now. This is so what i’m experiencing now.. I dont know how to answer when people ask ‘how are you doing’ or ‘how’s life’, God, that’s the most general and difficult question in the world for me! Sometimes i even snapped – ‘life? which part of life that u want to know?’ I dont know how it is in U.S., but being an asian and living in malaysia, it’s like everyone want to count how many children u have and i think the social desirability is higher here.. It’s painful and sometimes i just feeling like not to meet anybody. Lori, thank u so much for making me (and perhaps millions of women) feel good about ourselves, feel normal about our problem and even make us laugh over it. it’s the best medicine that relieves and in fact a healthy way dealing with this issue.. thank you so much..
Lori Shandle-Fox said on May 30, 2011
Thank you so much for your beautiful comments Edzati. That’s the wonderful part of the Internet is that people who feel the same and are experiencing the same things (and there are millions of us…) can come together from all over the planet. To some extent, it’s the same here in the U.S. Even in 2011, people are so conditioned that you grow up, get married, and have kids. Even people who hate their marriages and resent their kids, want you to hurry up and get married and have kids. If you don’t follow along that mold in the way everyone expects you to, they stare at you like your head is about to explode… All the best to you my friend! xoxo Lori