What We’re REALLY Thinking About Other Infertile Women
Sep 9 2011 in Laughing is Conceivable by Lori Shandle-Fox
So, what were we talking about? Oh right. The other day we chatted about things we know we shouldn’t think— let alone say.
You may as well make ”infertility” number 3 on the top 100 list of unacceptable topics of conversation at polite dinner parties:
1) Religion
2) Politics
3) Â Infertility
Maybe it should even be higher on the list.
Saying to somebody:
“You’ve been married a while now and you still have no kids. I hope you’re not doing any of that fertility drugs stuff.”Â
You may as well say:
“You didn’t vote for Obama did you? I don’t really like any democrats, or midwesterners, or black people, do you?”
But the dirtiest, darkest secrets, within the glamourous world of infertility exist within our own minds.
What infertile women REALLY think but would never dare say to another infertile woman. 
So last week, I had the pleasure of talking with Hannah. Even though she’s 31, still pretty young even by fertility standards, she’s been trying to conceive for 8 years already.
So we got into this big discussion about reading infertility support forums online and other infertile women we know personally and Hannah mentioned:Â
“There are so many things I know I shouldn’t think… but…”
The worst case scenario, is when you feel animosity towards another infertile person.  But we can’t help thinking what we think.
I mean, you probably don’t want to say these things aloud in a crowd of infertile women. I can’t think of anything I’d want to do less than break up a mob of angry infertile women. (Except maybe watch a “Full House” marathon.)
All you need is one infertile woman to have a mood swing… Then watch out! Find a place to hide and hope you don’t get a syringe in your neck.
So, I said to Hannah:
“Here, let’s step into my hall closet and close the door. Good. Now that it’s just us here (I”m so glad I decided to sound-proof it last winter)–
Just us, in this safe, non-judgmental environment, feel free to just let out all of those horrible things that have been gnawing at your mind for so long. It’ll be cathartic. Your secrets are safe with me.  I promise I won’t tell anybody. What kind of a person would do that?”
So, here’s what Hannah said word for word. Try not to judge her. But above all else: Don’t kill the messenger.  Â
“When women tell me they had a miscarriage, I think… ‘I’m sure that’s awful… but at least you can get pregnant.’”
“Okay, so you have endometriosis. Big deal. At least you know what causes your infertility.”
“What infertility? You can’t get pregnant because you’re just too damn fat. If you lost 100 pounds, you’d probably get pregnant two weeks later. Ta da! I solved your infertility problem. I’m 115 pounds, so now, you tell me, why I can’t get pregnant.”
“I don’t get this secondary infertility crap. Yeah, it would be nice to have another baby…But really, do you think those of us who can’t have even one really care? Why don’t you just enjoy the one you have and move on?”Â
“You have step-children from your husband’s first marriage. Okay, I get that it would be nice to have one of your own. But it’s not like you have no children in your house like the rest of us.”
And when Hannah was done venting, and heaving, and crying uncontrollably, I put a gentle arm around her and hugged her and said:
“You unfeeling Bitch. How can you even THINK such things, let alone say them?!!! Get the hell out of my closet and don’t ever come back.”
Breezy said on September 9, 2011
As an infertile Stepmum, I’m glad the two of you were deep inside the cupboard when that comment about infertile stepparents “at least having children in the house” was made.
Because after a loooooong week of caring for the hostile children my fiancé’s ex popped out without trouble, one after another – like a twisted and ugly cross between a week-long baby shower and a grueling pre-teen birthday sleepover – and given this is something I spend one third of my time doing….
Well, if I’d heard that comment in the open air, I would have had to be restrained from throwing things and/or chasing the speaker with all kinds of violent intentions.
And that’s not something I like to do to fellow infertile women.
Marci said on October 20, 2011
It’s hard to be compassionate to all people all of the time, even if they deserve it. So many of these things don’t have easy answers and it’s easy in our pain to lash out at everyone who seems like they’re closer (or could be closer) to the goal than we are.
You’re closer to the goal because you’ve been pregnant, or because you know why you can’t pregnant, (or because I think I know why you can’t get pregnant (“old” “fat” “anorexic” etc.)), or because you have children to parent (although in the case of stepchildren they always seem to find a way to remind their stepparent, “you can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my REAL mom/dad”).
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fertility fence, but of course, usually when you think these things its because we know these people, but we don’t love them. I have a girlfriend with a large number of children who recently had to have her last tube removed, and I mourned with her for the loss of her future children. Because if you can’t have a desperately desired child, you’re infertile. And it sucks. There really isn’t any such things as “degree of suck.” Suck is suck.